When we first start university, like caged birds finally released into the world, we have great intentions of attending every class. And studying like a mofo. And handing in our A+ assessments on time, every time, in between taking on the world.
Unfortunately, life, hangovers, and Netflix marathons sometimes take priority and a few classes tend to get sacrificed along the way. Hey, three-day goon benders and 'Making A Murderer' documentaries happen, I get it. Mainly cos I'm likely the instigator behind them. At least the bender anyway.
However, your professor is unlikely to understand your spiritual journey with cheap wine, or your inability to sleep until you know whether Steven Avery is guilty or not. Professors are weird like that. So instead, we’ve come up with 12 super believable excuses for missing that uni class, cos we’d never let the fam down. Here goes.
- For religious reasons, you couldn’t show up today. And by religion, you mean you follow the NRL religiously, and your team lost its game. Now you need a day to wallow in your depression and pray for a better season to come.
- During a drunken bender, you dropped your iPhone in the toilet. As a millennial who’s life revolves around your phone, it was a deeply traumatising event. You need at least a day off to mourn the tragedy that occurred. Also, you require a minute silence every day on the hour of its demise for at least the next year.
- For life and death medical reasons you couldn’t make it into class today. Your doctor recently advised you need more Vitamin D, and since the sun was shining that morning it was imperative you head to the beach instead.
- Last night your cat accidentally drank the beer you spilled. You couldn’t let your homie George get turnt for the first time by himself, so you had to join him in his beer drinking adventure. Your last memory was shotting tequila and making out with a shoe on the floor. George meowed for a bit then went blackout drunk. Now you both currently can't move from the bed, but at least you’re a responsible pet owner.
- The weirdest thing happened when you got up early to leave for your lecture. You went to strut out the door, but it wouldn't open. Nor would any of the windows, either. It became apparent that someone broke into your dorm room and glued all the doors and windows shut. Couldn’t get out until you called a professional glue remover.
- You woke up in an excellent mood this morning and thought it would be ridiculous to ruin it by sitting in a boring arse lecture, and spending the day studying. You went out for breakfast, went for a stroll around the city and caught up with your squad instead. The good mood continued all day.
- You accidentally ended up at Sydney International Airport, got on a plane and now you’re in Bali drinking cocktails with a group of your friends, who completely coincidentally, did the same thing. Total accident and thoroughly unavoidable.
- The ghost that haunts your dorm room that’s normally pretty chill, invited his whole ghost fam over, and shit got pretty hectic. Doors were slammed, cutlery smashed and general ghost haunting stuff that kept you up all night! You had a good chat to him about responsible house-sharing, and he feels pretty bad so you don’t think it’ll happen again.
- Your current dormmate was acting even weirder than usual and you thought you’d better keep them company. He wouldn't eat unless you prepared his meals, was following you around every you went and sadly whining all day. Also, seems to have a weird obsession with sniffing butts and chasing his tail around. Yeah, your dormmate's a dog, but he’s currently suffering from severe anxiety issues and it wouldn’t be right to leave him to fend for himself at the moment.
- You went on a date last night with a millionaire and thought you would get married, live the life of luxury and never have to work again. Unfortunately, they must be extremely busy because despite the fact you’ve called them over 70 times today, waited for them outside of their work, and casually hung out in their bushes, you haven’t been able to get in contact with them. Weird.
- You saw a black cat when you first opened your eyes in the morning. Obviously, it's a bad omen that something horrible was going to happen that day and you knew you shouldn’t leave the house. Never mind the fact the cat is your own cat, George. Totally irrelevant.
- You discovered time does not exist. Because time is a perceptual illusion created by our consciousness, when you finally became woke, you couldn’t confine to the constraints of society by showing up to the lecture at '9 o’clock' (finger air-quotes).