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National debt exuding ‘big yikes energy’, thinktank says

James Davis

Careers Commentator
Top economists baffled by macroeconomic models spitting out the fiscal equivalent of a shrug.

A recent report from The National Institute Institute (NII) projects Australian national debt will reach ‘straight wack’ levels by May 25th .

Loopholes aside, the stimulus measures are doing their job: keeping our economy afloat. It’s worth the debt incurred’, said NII chief economist Dr Rachelle Moneycash in an interview with Andrew Bolt. She then began insisting that debt isn’t necessarily an indicator of poor economic performance before being cut-off by otherworldly shrieking.

Older Australians across the country have since started buzzing through social media like a swarm of locusts in search of opportunities to criticise the national debt. ‘Debt isn’t good,’ said one anonymous savant.

The government expects to accrue roughly $500 billion in additional debt over the course of stimulus packages, rent support, childcare subsidies and other initiatives. But this isn’t going to fly with Greg from Geelong. ‘Better to save than spend’, the Nobel Laureate said to a dilapidated Russian stripper over video chat last Tuesday. 

Australia should expect 12% unemployment with a 5% economic contraction by Q2 according to Bloomberg. Despite the RBA cutting interest rates to record lows, NAB chief economist Alan Oster said in an April 2nd podcast we’re heading for a ‘nasty’ recession - but the stimulus has probably saved us from a depression (2:45). He described it as a ‘well-structured package’. 

More: PM Scott Morrison: ‘Sure, fuck it. Go outside’.

But he isn’t the only one with a well-structured package. Quarantined Gold Coast resident and avid Twitter user ‘Twinkydink420’ had a potent rebuttal: ‘I don’t know what I’d do without the new JobSeeker payments. But that debt though. What if there’s a rainy day?’

Criticism of national debt is nothing new. The Liberal-National Coalition have historically positioned themselves as superior money-managers, with supporters pointing to debt management as a primary allure. Scomo himself has historically accused the Labour Party of debt mismanagement. But there isn’t a clear link between our national debt to GDP ratio and changing governments.

Debt to GDP in Australia, 1995 - 2018. Source: Trading Economics.

Dr Moneycash echoed this sentiment in her interview with Mr Bolt. ‘How is he making that noise?’ she said. 

Bolt himself has ridiculed the government response, saying the COVID-19 pandemic is making politicians ‘lose all sense of proportion’, calling bans ‘disastrous’ and demanding an ‘exit strategy’. In other words, prematurely ending all precautions. You know, because of the economy.

The radio jockey has since commended the frugal economic policy of part-time financial adviser Smaug, calling for the Harvard-educated dragon to join the Morrison administration.

‘I don’t think there’s anything to be concerned about’, Bolt said to a frightened McDonalds cashier on Wednesday morning. ‘If we just end the quarantine and end the bans, sectors that have been hit hardest will recover and we can start working off this bloody debt. For God’s sake, won’t someone think of the morgue workers?’

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